Yuu Ishigami Wants To Play
by bilalterus
Summary: (Kaguya-Sama: Love Is War) A fanfiction without any shipping…? Ishigami and Hayasaka both play a very popular mobile game. What do Shirogane and Kaguya make of it? Set before the start of the manga.
1. Chapter 1

It was evening, and the Student Council room was empty save for the two guys.

Shirogane tapped away at the laptop, finishing the approval of the student clubs and activities. A busy evening for the President. But his eye was drawn by Ishigami, who was intently tapping away on his smartphone while reclining on the sofa. He was holding the phone landscape. It didn't look like he was on line or in any other conversation.

Eventually, Shirogane's curiosity peaked. "Ishigami, what are you up to?"

"Just a game," he shrugged.

Mobile games!

The convenience and power of modern smartphones, combined with the increase in disposable income, has led to the birth of a booming industry! Students and adults alike can play even without the need for a dedicated device, simply by tapping a few buttons.

Shirogane himself did not even own a smartphone, and had little time to dedicate to such pastimes himself. So he did not know the state of modern games. It was new to him!

The President finished the last document and saved it, giving him an excuse to get up and see what game had so engrossed his kouhai. He stood behind the sofa to oversee the screen. He was amazed by the graphics and detail - the screen flashed brightly as spectacular characters danced across the screen, attacking with sparkles and explosions. One female figure lunged forward, a flaming sword in hand, and slashed an ogre elegantly, decimating its health bar.

"Woah, this is amazing!" Shirogane exclaimed. "How much did you pay for this?"

"You don't want to know," Ishigami said darkly, as he set up another attack. "Anyway, it's called Bait: Bland Order. It's a bit complicated, but you command manifestations of historical figures as magical servants."

*Disclaimer: Any similarities with real life games are purely coincidental.*

"You seem to be pretty good," Shirogane commented, as the treasurer's servants dispatched a wave of enemies with a click of a button.

"Yeah I am, if I say so myself," Ishigami chuckled lightly. "I guess you could call me a Master Baiter."

"I don't think I could, actually," Shirogane said.

He watched for a little more while as Ishigami's "servants" swiftly dispatched the enemy demon. The next enemy, however, did not die so swiftly. Ishigami tutted as the enemy countered, killing one of his servants.

A new servant entered the lineup to replace the one that had fallen. However, that next servant was somewhat younger than the one she replaced. And less… well clothed.

"Ishigami."

The first-year blithely continued pressing buttons as if he had not heard his senpai.

"Ishigami, you're not going to jail for playing this game, are you?"

"I'M NOT A LOLICON!" Ishigami cried. "Just because they're in swimsuit and say lewd things it doesn't make them a loli!"

Shirogane's opinion of Ishigami dropped dramatically.

"Don't stare at me with that disgusted look!" Ishigami stood up passionately. "Besides, this one is actually 100 years old, so it's fine!"

"So she's an old hag?"

"Yes! I mean, no, I mean-!"

Ishigami sat back down, regretting his outburst. "I honestly don't even play for that side of the game anyway. It's something tactical I can play with other people online. I don't expect someone as popular as you to understand. "

"Relax, Ishigami." Shirogane said, smiling. "I won't judge you for what you play. You're safe here… as long as you finish your budget reports."

_I guess Ishigami is still not used to being here, _Shirogane thought. He lay a reassuring hand on his kouhai's shoulder, hoping the light joking and reassuring vibes he was giving off would help him feel settled.

_Safe space my ass! _Ishigami shivered at the contact on his shoulder as Shirogane's glare and ominous grin combined for the effect of a murderous threat. At this moment, it was even worse than what he had felt from Kaguya.

"S-Sure," Ishigami gulped. "Now I'm going to go home to look up funeral expenses."

And Ishigami grabbed his bag and shuffled quickly out of the room, leaving Shirogane thinking, _what an odd hobby._

Thankfully, this misunderstanding of Ishigami's would not last long.

* * *

"What are you doing, Hayasaka?" Kaguya asked.

While the heiress studied, her loyal servant was on a break, sitting ready in case any need arose. To occupy herself, Hayasaka tapped away on her smartphone. Normally, this would be no distraction for Kaguya. However, earlier that day, her plan to subtly imprint her scent on the President by allowing him to randomly find one of her pens had failed, because Fujiwara had inexplicably decided to sweep behind his desk before the President had arrived. Thus, Kaguya was a little frustrated, and some of that frustration was directed subconsciously towards her maid.

"Simply playing a game," Hayasaka said.

The maid did not use any suggestive young-looking characters, so the screen was always safe viewing, though for better or worse, none of her ripped male servants were in use at the moment. She tilted the screen and Kaguya peered over. If the intricate detail and colour, on the hand-held smartphone intrigued her, she did not show it.

"Interesting," Kaguya then said disinterestedly, putting down her pen and packing up her textbook. "It seems that the number of distractions presented by modern technology is ever increasing. It is remarkable, in a way."

Hayasaka once again marvelled at how much Kaguya had changed in her short time on the Student Council with President Shirogane and Subject F. In times past, Kaguya would have scorned her for playing such a game. In contrast, her dismissive response disguised the fact that she was allowing Hayasaka to do as she wished. The dark-haired heiress had been the intimidating ice queen for so long, always slightly warmer to Hayasaka, but still ruthless. Consumed by the Shinomiya precepts, Hayasaka had despaired of Kaguya ever being free to have her own ambitions, to see other people as more than just objects, to change. But there was development there. It was all about those subtle changes.

"Do you want to play?" Hayasaka asked.

Kaguya huffed haughtily. "Come now, Hayasaka. I would never waste my time with something so frivolous. Now come here and help me find the President's birth weight."

Subtle changes or not, she was still a spoiled brat. When did her master become such an idiot?

"Of course," Hayasaka nodded, turning off and pocketing her phone and stepping over to her mistress.

They booted up the computer. Kaguya confidently navigated to Internet Explorer instead of Google Chrome, and slowly typed in the Google web address. Hayasaka screamed internally, but said nothing. It was only as Kaguya typed into Google: 'What is Shirogane Miyuki's birth weight' and was about to press enter that Hayasaka intervened, taking over typing duties and navigation, sparing her master from an incredibly embarrassing entry on her search history.

"If I may ask, how does knowing the President's birth weight help force him to confess?" Hayasaka asked, as she typed away, scrolling through the hospital site security protocols as if she was ordering shoes.

"I know what you're implying," Kaguya said coolly, . "It's simply the principle of knowing thy enemy, from Sun Tsu's 'Art of War'. Nothing to do with my own curiosity."

"Ah. Of course."

* * *

Ishigami returned home less than satisfied, his interaction with Shirogane replaying in his mind. He had let his guard down, thinking the President was a friend. They had done a good thing for him, that was all. Shirogane was probably not going to kill him, in hindsight, but was probably judging him, despite what he had said.

Oh well. The treasurer booted up his PC and logged on routinely. He was done with Bait: Bland Order for today. The discord conversation app rapidly refreshed with his friends list. So-called, anyway. He had never had a proper conversation with any of them.

Except one.

IchiKami23: I rolled for Biyu today, didn't get her obviously

Ishigami sent the message and put something random in on his playlist to listen to. It took a while sometimes for him to respond, but he generally did, usually quite late. Ishigami guessed he was probably working long hours. Ishigami didn't know much about him. Except his username: GuardianAngel.

Of course, one can never assume anything about someone online. Everything his online friend had said could have been a lie. Ishigami avoided revealing any direct personal information. However, GuardianAngel had opened up about how alone he sometimes felt, and that seemed too heartfelt to be fake. Also, he had never asked for money or meeting from Ishigami, so probably wasn't a scammer. Or paedophile.

Ishigami pulled up a desktop FPS game and quickly settled into his usual evening routine.

* * *

"What a day…" Hayasaka sighed, as she pulled on her pyjamas.

Exploiting loopholes in hospital security systems was not even the hardest thing she had had to do that day. Much harder was biting back comments about her master's obvious denial.

But now the time was 11:00. Kaguya was asleep. Hayasaka generally went to sleep at 11:30pm on work nights, getting a nap after school while Kaguya was at the Student Council. This left the expert maid a scant 30 minutes before she herself had to sleep. Thus, she generally spent the time she had to herself either online or playing Bait: Bland Order. Often both at once.

She pulled up discord once again on her phone. There, then, was a message from her good friend.

Again, one can never assume anything about someone online...

IchiKami23: I rolled for Biyu today, didn't get her obviously

Yes, Hayasaka was GuardianAngel!

She had chosen the name randomly, but it had stuck, because she was in many ways Kaguya's close guardian. She was of course extremely careful to ensure her identity could not be traced back to her. In order to ensure this, she used a burner phone with VPN, and avoided disclosing any personal information. Of course, she even pretended to be a boy online in order to not attract attention.

However! At this point, she did not know the identity of IchiKami23! To her, he was simply an anonymous online acquaintance.

GuardianAngel: Your luck is honestly the worst.

IchiKami23: Yeah. I'm in the student council, and one of the other members was looking down on me for playing.

GuardianAngel: Your mistake was interacting with other people IRL.

IchiKami23: Yeah, I would prefer to spend the time and money on games. They're better designed than IRL. I'd never spend 30,000 yen on people.

GuardianAngel: I still don't know how you spend so much money. I save everything so I can quit my job as soon as possible.

Hayasaka smiled. Though she was still not being true to herself, at least she could talk with him a little more freely about such unimportant matters. This reclusive, bitter, slightly suicidal otaku was the closest thing she had to a friend.

IchiKami23: Honestly I think my Senpai just wants to get me more involved. But I think he's a normie, so idk how well that's going to go down.

And then Hayasaka had a shocking thought. _Hang on. Is this Ishigami?_

If he was in the Shui'chin student council, then it could only be him. It couldn't be Kaguya, of course. Shirogane did not have an appropriate smartphone. Subject F preferred Pokemon Go. Even the username seemed to match Ishigami.

But no. She couldn't assume. There was no guarantee he went to Shui'chin.

IchiKami23: And my other Senpai wants to kill me lol

_It's definitely Ishigami!_

Hayasaka threw the phone away onto the bed reactively, from the visceral horror of the realisation that she had been talking to Ishigami for so long. It was like finding out that a long time friend believed the Earth was flat. It changed Hayasaka's entire view of her online acquaintance! She had to reconsider every conversation she had ever had with him. Though she had not said anything personal, she had vented her feelings to him on more than one occasion!

Then Hayasaka took a breath. _Now calm down. He still doesn't know it's you. This could be a way to gain valuable intel on the goings on in the Student Council. _She sent another message that was in character for her, and started looking to end the conversation naturally.

GuardianAngel: When you die, I'll find your killer.

_Because I probably work for her. _

IchiKami23: lol, appreciate it. Maybe I should kill myself, make it easier, haha

Hayasaka couldn't tell if he was serious, and opted to nip it in the bud. His death would be a terrible tragedy, but would also have an unknown and potentially debilitating impact on Kaguya, given she worked in such close proximity to him.

GuardianAngel: Well, no reason for that. You're a student council member in a prestigious academy. You're smart. Also, if you die, who will look after your waifus?

IchiKami23: How about this: you can have my account if I die

GuardianAngel: Kill yourself then

She typed and sent the joke before she could stop herself.

GuardianAngel: Kidding, of course. I'm logging off now, later.

IchiKami23: Later.

And Hayasaka paced her room for around 12 minutes, reviewing what conversations she had had with him, and calculating any further security measures she needed to take, before she was finally satisfied and was able to go to bed.

Ishigami too logged off the computer not long after, but it was much longer before he fell asleep, given his inclination to distract himself with his phone for a further half an hour. But it was only in the brief window between turning his phone off and falling asleep that a nagging thought surfaced.

_Wait… how did he know I went to a prestigious academy?_

* * *

So, a new war of identity and secrets potentially unfolds! Could this interaction run alongside the official manga as another spinoff...?

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Comments and reviews are appreciated.**

**I may continue this if people enjoyed it, otherwise I leave it to your imagination how Hayasaka and Ishigami have secretly/unknowingly interacted in the many months of the manga. I hope you enjoyed!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all for your responses! I hadn't fully planned to continue this, in all honesty, but I'll see what I can do.**

* * *

It was the end of another day for Hayasaka. Kaguya had just finished detailing an impractical scheme to get the President to join the archery club, for 'tactical reasons'. Hayasaka wasn't sure what tactical advantage there was in seeing the President shirtless, and she quietly enjoyed seeing Kaguya go bright red when asked that question.

Still, the important thing was, to borrow the American phrase: another day, another dollar. Her work for the day was done, and she could now relax a little before turning in. The maid poured herself a neat glass of milk and took a sip, while booting up Discord on her phone and checking her messages.

Ichikami23: Why are girls so sensitive about their boobs?

Hayasaka's spit take sprayed milk all over the kitchen surface.

It wasn't like she wasn't used to that kind of conversation online. Indeed, she had even discussed the matters casually with IchiKami23 before. However, it was different now that she knew he was Ishigami. It wasn't her persona talking to another persona any more. It made her feel strangely vulnerable, like she was talking to him with just a sheet between them, and all it would take was him to accidentally tear the sheet and he would discover her.

With one hand, she typed a response, while wiping the kitchen surface with the other.

GuardianAngel: Women live a different kind of existence to us guys.

IchiKami23: too right.

GuardianAngel: So what happened?

Hayasaka sent the question and finished the cleanup and then poured the milk away, instead of her normal routine of taking it up to her room. She wasn't ready to drink milk while talking about breasts. By the time she returned to her phone, the response had come.

IchiKami23: Ok so you know how I don't have any preference for cup size right

Hayasaka shuddered as she recalled with retrospective horror their conversation from the past.

GuardianAngel: Yeah I've seen your support list on BBO. Feminist of the year you are.

IchiKami23: You know I choose for gameplay! It's not my fault every character is genderbent into someone with a massive rack!

GuardianAngel: I will call off the cops. So what happened?

IchiKami23: ok, well, at school, I was talking about archery… I might have implied one girl had a flat chest that was suited for archery… and that another girl's boobs were too big for it…

Oh god. That was Kaguya and Fujiwara, right? Did this guy have a death wish?

GuardianAngel: I assume they overheard you?

IchiKami23: I just stated the facts! Is that so bad?

IchiKami23: Women are all illogical, crazy beasts who are only obsessed with their bodies...

Hayasaka knew he didn't really think like that, but she still felt insulted.

She sighed, caught in a dilemma. Normally, she would use any witty retort in her repertoire, but she couldn't while she was still masquerading as a guy. Ishigami continued.

IchiKami23: I feel like my danger level has just increased…

GuardianAngel: Danger level?

IchiKami23: Yes, the threat of me being killed at any moment, as a rating out of 100. Usually it's around 50? 55?

_Isn't that way too high for a base figure?_

Ichikami23: And then when I made those comments, it went up to like 200.

_Wouldn't you be dead already then?! _Hayasaka sighed. Dealing with Ishigami's underlying pessimistic nature would be too big of a job. She would address the issue of the day.

GuardianAngel: To be fair, women naturally compare themselves, because it's so physically obvious. It's part of their appeal, their worth.

GuardianAngel: Men don't have a sexual part of the body that's public like that. The closest would be...

And as she typed the message she realised she had a problem. In order to pass as a guy, she had to be comfortable with what they were comfortable with. She had to use the word 'dick' in her message! But to send such a message to Ishigami was a line she didn't want to cross!

Hayasaka took a breath. _This is for Kaguya-sama, to keep tabs on Ishigami. _

GuardianAngel: The closest thing would be if guys' members were hanging out all the time and we compared those

She couldn't say it.

IchiKami23: that's an interesting way to look at it. Women have it tough, huh.

_It's tough being this woman in particular._

GuardianAngel: Yeah.

* * *

"So peaceful…"

Ishigami was alone in the Student Council, and it was wonderful.

He had been in the middle of finishing another report when he realised that the room had remained empty for longer than usual. Fujiwara in particular had tabletop club activities, or she would be there infecting things with her special blend of naivete and positivity. With nobody to put him on guard, he was free to relax.

He pulled up his phone and scrolled absentmindedly though his conversation with GuardianAngel the night before. He was just being paranoid, right? Well, the way he talked was a little off, given their previous conversations about girls. It was as if he was sharing his true thoughts for the first time, rather than playing a character. Maybe in his personal life GuardianAngel was really close to a girl. He was also probably quite prude underneath his blunt facade, given he said "guy's members" instead of -

"Who are you talking to, Ishigami?" Kaguya asked over his shoulder, smiling sweetly.

Ishigami almost jumped out of his skin. "Sh-Sh-Shinomiya?" he squealed. "When did you get here?"

"You seem busy, so I didn't want to disturb you," she said, the grin on her face masterfully unreadable, toeing the line between polite and capricious. "Apologies if I startled you."

_She's the next Jing Ke… _Ishigami shuddered. _After she kills me, is the President in danger?_

"I was t-talking to s-someone online," he said, in an attempt to continue the conversation. Kaguya continued to stare at him sweetly in a way that made him want to jump out of the window. Her eyes narrowed subtly, as if searching for guilt.

"I see the President isn't here," she said darkly, turning her face away.

_Translation: if she kills me today, there'll be no witnesses!_

"N-No, his part time work started early today," Ishigami said, his voice an octave higher than normal.

"Where is he?"

"I-I didn't ask."

Kaguya tutted sharply.

_Don't tell me... _Ishigami's eyes widened in realisation. _After she kills me, she'll be after the Shirogane!? Don't worry, President, I won't talk even if she tortures me with a broom handle!_

Ishigami had over time developed some strange ideas about Kaguya's methods for torture.

_No, calm down, Ishigami, _the junior thought to himself. _Think logically. She's only after me. She must be remembering the comments I made about her chest. _

Actually, she had forgotten about Ishigami's comments.

"What a shame," Kaguya said, sighing. "The principal had just given us this fruit basket on behalf of the French student delegate, for the party we threw them. I guess we will have to make a start on it without Fujiwara or the President."

Ishigami looked past the vice president to see the large basket that she had brought in with her when she had slipped in earlier. Ishigami tentatively approached it to have a closer look. The basket was wrapped in plastic, though an exotic and unusual selection of fruits were visible within. Thankfully, the fruits seemed to be already sliced into chunks, or were fruits like bananas. Hence there was no reason for a knife. There was a thank you note from the French council as well, so it was clearly a genuine and convenient gift with a low level of danger.

_Ok, weighing up all the evidence, I'd score the danger at 90 out of 100. _

Of course Ishigami was not going to drop his guard. Kaguya's very presence necessitated such a rating! She could have forged that card, and injected the fruit with poison, as a plan to bump off the entire Student Council in one move. But... it seemed like such a lot of effort for such a skilled assassin. Plus, that method might leave incriminating evidence, so the likelihood was lower.

"What fruit is your favourite, Ishigami?" Kaguya asked, as she neatly removed the covering with a single elegant flourish.

Ishigami breathed. If she was offering a choice, and having some herself, then it was less likely that she poisoned anything. He remembered how Shirogane's words. _Have more faith in your friends_. "I like most fruit. Melons are probably the best," Ishigami said, danger ratings quickly dropping out of his mind as the conversational topic turned benign.

"Is that so? I believe there are some here," she said, rooting through the selection of fruits.

Then she stopped. A certain connection flashed in her mind from her study of sexual innuendo and references. This was also when Kaguya remembered Ishigami's comments from before.

"I'm not accustomed to having melons, actually," Kaguya said, with all the self-measure of a snake about to strike its unwitting prey. "What do you like about them?"

The prey in question moved closer into striking range. "Oh, they're big, ripe, and the flesh is so soft… I could just bury my face in one!" Ishigami chuckled, motioning quite accurately the impression of a man ravenously devouring a melon.

"Yes, I see," Kaguya said, her smile widening, though there was a crunching sound as the wicker basket cracked under her grip. "Women with melons are the dream of all men."

Ishigami finally cottoned on.

_Ah. So this is how it ends for me. _

"D-D-Did I say melons? I meant grapes."

"So you have a preference?" Kaguya shot back, instantly. "Is that because you prefer your fruits to be smaller?"

Ishigami backed away as quickly as he could. "N-No, I mean, it depends on whose fruit it is…"

"A woman's value is dependent on the kind of fruit she has, is that it?"

"I-I didn't say that!"

"You'll have a banana, right?" Kaguya added, grabbing one from the basket from both ends and bending it slightly. "Don't you find having a whole banana is too much, sometimes? How about I snap yours in two?"

"Aha, you know, I think I'm not hungry!" Ishigami squeaked.

"Nonsense," Kaguya said, long fang-like canines visible to her kouhai. "Men are always hungry. You can at least have a slice of apple. Now let me find a knife…"

"I'm sorryyyyyy!"

Ishigami belted it out of the room, disrupting the extra-curricular activities still being undertaken throughout the building. He wailed his way past a furious Iino, who scolded him causing such a disturbance, but Ishigami cared even less than normal, his only thoughts on escaping from the demonic assassin. He had to assume she was right behind him, because to look back would slow him down and stop him from fleeing.

Kaguya smiled as she listened to the unfortunate underclassman's cries getting further away. "I forgive you," she said, to no witness but herself. Now alone, she decided to remain in the Student Council room a little longer and finish up a few bits of admin there was to do. As she worked, she bit into a strawberry and wondered if the President liked them.

* * *

**Man, that took me ages to write. Hope you enjoyed it!**


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